My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
