if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
