Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
