It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
