i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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