im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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