bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize