I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
