I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
