I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
