i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
