we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize