Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
