If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
He better not be in your backpack
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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