Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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