whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
