Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
