when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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