I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
