you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
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