She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
