he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
