im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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