he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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