Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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