hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
