How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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