I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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