my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
vagina is talking i cant
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
