Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
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