I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm experimenting with sincerity
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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