Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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