Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize