the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
