Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
