I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
