Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
