Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
smell my finger.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
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