if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Randomize
