i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
That reminds me...we need to get swords
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Randomize
