So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
