I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
