do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
We need a shit load of segways right now
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
