New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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