woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
