I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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