You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
