I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Hippo gnu deer
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Randomize
