you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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