I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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