There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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