It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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