whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
We're too hungover to prance.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
