Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
