you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
