somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
