I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
