dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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