He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
