My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
